I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
True
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.