If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.