I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Saturday
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Alexa: *deep breath*
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr