ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Hmm, not sure about this change
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.