If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
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I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess