I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should