Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.