Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL