It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
the chicken was already gone when I got here
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that