Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no