[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Everyone’s family
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Genius idea!!
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.