Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.