Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
<- sleeps well with others
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped