*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Every BBC series about the universe.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭