“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow