Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something