Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
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I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Hard not to take this personally
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.