Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
o shit