I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
She puts the hot in psychotic
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!