Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
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giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
The options really are this bad
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
bears