he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
August 8
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
They’re not wrong
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .