ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
You Might Also Like
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over