Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.