The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.