If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
*limbos under the caution tape
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb