bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]