Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
meanwhile over on facebook
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
#DesignFail
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus