ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
me 2 months after i graduated
WHY would you be happy about this?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My neck, my back, my…
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.