I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
The absolute effort that went into this omg