Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
⛄️
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name