Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.