The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant