If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*