[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
When your man makes a valid point
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.