Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
#Caturday
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Nomnomnomnom
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
this is how life feels
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.