[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Think I pulled my liver
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*orders delivery*
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.