By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die