I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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*seductively corrects your posture*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
my mom making me talk to relatives
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]