If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?