It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
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[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
what could possibly go wrong?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.