Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’d hang this in my house.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.