If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?