Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
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*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
why r babies always crying u don鈥檛 even have jobs
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Just once I鈥檇 like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food