Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.