the icebreaker
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
This can never not be funny 😭😭
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!