I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
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My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I know
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
me when the borders lift
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My boss called in sick of me
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *