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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Mafia Boss: youโre gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: weโre not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Good morning to everyone, especially those who donโt need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know itโs hard, very hard.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing โtl;drโ and Iโve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didnโt read
Me: oh ffs you too?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If I text you “๐ค๐ฅบ๐๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐ญ๐ฅ๐คจ๐๐๐๐๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐๐คฆโโ๏ธ๐๐๐๐๐ค๐๐๐โค๏ธ๐๐คจ” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, โWho am I?โ, she responds, โYouโre the king and youโre better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!โ
I am so, so embarrassed that I didnโt program her first.
Donโt mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, howeverโฆ
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I donโt know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, Iโve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down