[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?