Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
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*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Yeah. This was me today.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.