Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Free him
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Jail
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???